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Articles by Andrew

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Loops Parking Lot for an Hour to Avoid Paying for Parking

January 12, 2019 Andrew

CALGARY, AB Local man Jeremy Goerzen, 39, was picking up his friends at the airport who were visiting from Manitoba. Unfortunately the flight was delayed and so, instead, of paying ten dollars to park, Jeremy […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Novelist Irma Voth Pens New Novel Called ‘Miriam Toews’

January 11, 2019 Andrew

MEXICO CITY Mennonite literature fans are really excited about the release of a new novel by renowned Mexican Mennonite novelist Irma Voth called Miriam Toews. “I can’t wait to read Miriam Toews. I’ve been reading Irma Voth’s […]

Unger Suspicion

Patrik Laine Considers Bringing Back ‘Lucky Mennonite Beard’ After Recent Slump

January 10, 2019 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Young Finnish phenom Patrik Laine has been in a slump as of late and hockey experts are pointing to only one possible cause of his scoreless streak – shaving off his Menno beard. […]

The Daily Bonnet

Winkler Politician Demands $5 Billion Wall Around Morden

January 9, 2019 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Church board member and man-about-town Mr. Toews of Winkler is threatening to shut down the local government unless the local senate approves a $5.7 billon wall around the neighbouring town of Morden. “You […]

Unger Conviction

Church Cell Group Consists Mostly of Endoplasmic Reticulum

January 8, 2019 Andrew

CALGARY, AB A new scientific analysis from the University of Southern Alberta has demonstrated that the vast majority of church cell groups consist of nothing more than endoplasmic reticulum. “We were hoping to find some […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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