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Articles by Andrew

Unger & Thirst

“Is Zoom a Sin?” and Other Frequently Searched Phrases of 2020

May 19, 2020 Andrew

SEMINOLE, TX A new study out of the University of Seminole suggests that the average North American has gained at least twenty pounds and lost a full twenty IQ points since the beginning of the […]

Unger & Thirst

Wine Ninjas Accidentally Deliver to Mennonite Woman

May 18, 2020 Andrew

CALGARY, AB A Mennonite woman in suburban Calgary was the victim of some well-meaning but misguided Wine Ninjas this weekend. The “ninjas” dropped off a package on the front doorstep of Mrs. Reimer, which included […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Severely Injures Knipsing Finger

May 17, 2020 Andrew

KITCHENER, ON The global crokinole community was in shock this week after star flicker Mr. Funk went down with an injury to his knipsing finger. “The crokinole world has never seen anything like this, especially […]

Unger Suspicion

World Breathes Collective Sigh of Relief as Zoom Goes Down

May 17, 2020 Andrew

AMSTERDAM, NETHERLANDS Billions of human beings around the globe received a temporary reprieve from incessant Zoom meetings this weekend after the app went out of commission. “Well, praise the Lord! This must have been divine […]

The Daily Bonnet

Chaos at Walmart After Mennonite Woman Goes the Wrong Way

May 16, 2020 Andrew

ALTONA, MB It was absolute mayhem at Altona Walmart this afternoon after Mrs. Bueckert brazenly decided to push her shopping card filled with toilet paper and pistachio pudding mix against the direction of the arrows. […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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