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Articles by Andrew

The Daily Bonnet

Ten ‘Nah Yos’ Required to Extricate Mennonite Man from Conversation

February 21, 2020 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Mr. Bergen was eager to get home and watch the last period of the Jats game after Bible study this week, but, no matter how many times he said “nah yo, dan,” he […]

The Daily Bonnet

Intercourse, Pennsylvania to be Renamed Abstinence, Pennsylvania

February 20, 2020 Andrew

ABSTINENCE, PA The tiny Mennonite village of Intercourse, Pennsylvania has had a wildly inappropriate name for quite some time now and area residents are finally ready for a change. “People are coming here for all […]

Unger & Thirst

Even Borscht is No Longer ‘Cheap as Borscht’ After Surge in Cabbage Prices

February 19, 2020 Andrew

YARROW, BC A cabbage spill on the highway in British Columbia this week has resulted in a cabbage shortage and a corresponding surge in prices. This has sent Mennonites across the globe searching for a […]

The Daily Bonnet

Tabloid Reports Corny Rempel Sightings at Local Gas Station

February 18, 2020 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB It seems that Southeast Manitoba’s most persistent conspiracy theory will never fade away, as yet another wave of Corny Rempel sightings has captured the attention of Hanover residents. “I’m always keeping my eyes […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Grandma Disappoints Children with Honest Birthday Cards

February 16, 2020 Andrew

ALTONA, MB Mrs. Doerksen, 81, of Altona has decided to cut to the chase for birthdays this year and write in big bold letters on the outside of each envelope, “No money enclosed.” “I don’t […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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