Apple Introduces New Siri Voice with Mennonite Accent


Recent changes to Apple’s Siri and Maps mean that Mennonites across the Americas will have the chance to receive directions to the nearest Chicken Chef in a comforting Plautdietsch accent. Starting January 15, iPhone users will now have the option of selecting “Mannanite voice” from the list of options.

“We went down to Menno Colony, Paraguay and recorded 80-year-old Mrs. Aggie Toews speaking for a few hours,” explained Apple CEO Tim Cook. “Let me tell you, it’s the sexiest Siri voice we’ve ever had.”

Mrs. Toews’ voice is used for Siri and for giving driving directions, though some have noted there are a few glitches.

“Whenever I use the Maps function there’s always some old man’s voice interrupting in the background, saying, ‘Nah, Aggie, dat’s not the right way at all yat,'” explained iPhone user Colin Loewen. “It’s very confusing. I think maybe it works better with buggies and tractors.”

Despite a few minor issues, most users have found the voice familiar and soothing.

“Oba, go one mile past da old Friesen’s place over by da Blumenhof School yat,” said the new Siri. “Dan turn laft und go tree miles. Be sea careful around dose corners yat as dats a gravel road for sure. Dan you’ll be right dare by da Platt’s house.”

So far, every Mennonite who’s tried it has got to where they’re going in record time.

“It’s so nice to have a Siri that I can relate to and understand,” said Mr. Rempel. “Dat old Siri said everyting wrong yat.”

Another reason to love the new Siri is that she makes an excellent plumi moos and ends every conversation by saying “Nah, yo, dan.”

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