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Month: April 2018

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Grandma Punishes Grandkids By Making Them Chew Thrills Gum

April 22, 2018 Andrew

MITCHELL, MB Local grandma Mrs. Agnes Wiebe, 72, unleashed the harshest punishment known to Mennonites this week by making her misbehaving grandkids chew a piece of soap-flavoured Thrills gum for a full fifteen minutes. “I […]

Unger Suspicion

Nation Shocked as Canadian NHL Team Wins Playoff Series Without Rioting

April 22, 2018 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Tens of thousands of fans lined the streets of downtown Winnipeg on Friday night to celebrate the Jets first round playoff victory over the Minnesota Wild. Jets fans bucked decades of Canadian hockey […]

Unger Suspicion

Why Every Single Winnipeg Jets Player is Actually a Mennonite

April 21, 2018 Andrew

I’m not much one for conspiracies, but I think something’s going on here. Much has been made of the fact that Finnish superstar Patrik Laine seems awfully Mennonite with his beard and teetotaling. However, if […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonites Celebrate 420 by Drinking Yerba on Parliament Hill

April 20, 2018 Andrew

OTTAWA, ON Thousands of Mennonite ‘Yerbaheads,’ as they call themselves, set up their lawn chairs on the steps of the Canadian Parliament buildings today to celebrate 420. Mr. Johan Dueck came all the way from […]

Unger Conviction

Church Sets Record With 7 Hour Welcome Time

April 20, 2018 Andrew

WINKLER, MB When the pastor of South Winkler Gospel Mennonite Church decided to ask the congregation to turn around and heartily welcome the folks around them, little did he know they would break a long-standing […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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