With Toilet Paper in Short Supply, Mennonites Resort to Eaton’s Catalogues Once Again


While thousands of Canadians are panicked these days due to a short supply of toilet paper, Mennonites, on the other hand, haven’t been fazed by the shortage at all.

“Well, it looks like it’s time to get reacquainted with good old Timothy Eaton,” said Mr. Sawatzky, ripping a page from the Spring/Summer 1976 edition. “Ahh, this brings back some fond memories!”

Back before technological advances led to the creation of this strange new substance called “toilet paper,” Mennonites simply used whatever they had on hand.

“There’s just something about those glossy photos from the housewares department that cannot be improved upon,” said Mr. Sawatzky, folding up the sheet to give himself a second ply. “You know, I actually think this stuff is thick enough to use both sides!”

Mr. Sawatzky has also decided to revive the Sawatzky family outhouse in the back-40, which had been boarded up and out of use since the mid-60s.

“Hey, if we’re going to do this, let’s do it right,” said Mr. Sawatzky. “I just hope no one mistakes my smoke shack for the outhouse. I’ve got a perfectly good deer hanging in there.”

After using nothing but Eaton’s catalogues for the past few days, Mr. Sawatzky says he doesn’t know if he can ever go back to regular toilet paper.

“I know those uppity Rosenorters like to use Sears catalogues, but they don’t know what they’re missing,” said Sawatzky. “Eaton’s catalogues have always been the best. Thick, firm, and thoroughly absorbent.”

Upon hearing Mr. Sawatzky’s slight against her community, Mrs. Dueck of Rosenort replied to Mr. Sawatzky saying that she always knew Eaton’s catalogues were “right up his alley.”

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