GOESSEL, KS
After a crime wave in recent months, President Trump has deployed the National Guard to the small Mennonite farming town of Goessel, Kansas.
“We’ve gotta get those Hiebert boys under control,” said President Trump. “I hear they’re doing donuts in the church parking lot. I’ve seen the evidence myself. Mrs. Pankratz sent me pictures. Something’s got to be done.”
The troops will be assisting local church elders in dealing with the crime spree. In addition to the presence of skid marks in the parking lot, the town has also been experiencing a surge in hand holding by dating couples and even some back talk from the local children.
“I’m not sure what has happened to our beloved Mennonite capital,” said Trump, “but we’re going to get to the bottom of it.”
Church elders have already tasked the soldiers with handing out bulletins this Sunday and stacking the chairs after faspa.
