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Unger the Influence

Vandals Caddyshack the Reflecting Pool

June 26, 2026 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC Vacationers swimming in the Washington, DC Reflecting Pool vacated really quick this afternoon after someone “Caddyshacked” the pool. “I don’t know who did it or how it happened,” said Gary Kehler, “but when […]

Unger the Influence

Trump Vows to Make Washington Reflecting Pool as Beautiful as Lake Winnipeg

June 17, 2026 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC When Annie and Peter Dueck of Altona, Manitoba visited the US capital this week, they couldn’t help but notice something was a little familiar. “Jauma, Annie, look at the reflecting pool,” said Peter. […]

Unger the Influence

White House Reassures Mennonites New Ballroom Won’t Be Used for Dancing

November 3, 2025 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC Desperate the quell a rising tide of angry Mennonite voters, the White House clarified this afternoon that the new ballroom would not be used for dancing. “Only faspas and quilt auctions,” said press […]

Unger the Influence

Trump Deploys National Guard to Goessel, Kansas

August 12, 2025 Andrew

GOESSEL, KS After a crime wave in recent months, President Trump has deployed the National Guard to the small Mennonite farming town of Goessel, Kansas. “We’ve gotta get those Hiebert boys under control,” said President […]

Unger the Influence

Mennonites Arrested in Washington for Being Way Too Peaceful

January 18, 2024 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC 130 hymn-singing Mennonites were arrested in Washington, DC this week and charged with being, “like, way too peaceful and stuff.” The arrests came after several dozen Mennonites sat down in the Cannon Hill […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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