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violence

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Man Breaks His Vow of Pacifism to Defend the Last Can of Pepsi

October 16, 2016 Andrew

HILLSBORO, KS Centuries of non-violent Anabaptist teaching were tossed under the proverbial bus today as Mr. Thomas W. Koop of Hillsboro, Kansas assaulted fifteen innocent people in order to defend his right to the last […]

The Daily Bonnet

New Mennonite Police Force to Shun Criminals

September 25, 2016 Andrew

FREEDOMVILLE, PA A troubled American city with a history of conflict between police and civilians has decided to try out a new law enforcement and public relations strategy: replace the existing police force with unarmed pacifist […]

Unger & Thirst

Rowdy Steinbach Hockey Fan Dumps Schmaunt Fat All Over Winkler Man

September 18, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Things got pretty intense on Friday at the junior hockey game between fierce rivals the Steinbach Windmills and Winkler Teetotalers. Security guards were unable to prevent one overly passionate Steinbach fan from dumping […]

Unger Games

Mennonite Olympic Dominance, as Explained By Dr. Freud

August 19, 2016 Andrew

RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL The success of Mennonite athletes at this year’s Olympic games has come as a surprise to some, but according to Dr. Heinrich Freud, great-grandson of the founder of psychoanalysis, this Mennonite dominance […]

Unger Suspicion

Quentin Tarantino to Direct Bloodiest Mennonite Film Ever

July 19, 2016 Andrew

HOLLYWOOD, CA Controversial film-maker Quentin Tarantino is in southern Manitoba this week scouting locations for his newest blockbuster Dueck Unchained. “I’ve always been fascinated by Mennonites,” said Tarantino. “One of the extras on Kill Bill […]

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