Centuries of non-violent Anabaptist teaching were tossed under the proverbial bus today as Mr. Thomas W. Koop of Hillsboro, Kansas assaulted fifteen innocent people in order to defend his right to the last can of Pepsi.
“There are times in a man’s life when doctrine and theology have to be compromised for practical considerations like stopping the spread of Fascism or reserving the last can of Papsi for yourself,” said Koop. “I had even written my name on it, and there was my nephew about to crack it open. Like hell you do, Dylan!”
With nothing but Coca-Cola left to drink, the can of Pepsi was a treasured possession for the largely Mennonite crowd who prefer the cloying sweetness of Pepsi to the more nuanced caramel notes of Coke. In order to defend this can, Koop broke three arms, two legs, and sent a few others home with black eyes and bloody noses.
“I think Menno Simons would have approved. He couldn’t possibly have intended people to just let outsiders take our Papsi,” said Koop. “Some things are worth dying for and Papsi is one of those.”
The incident is said to be the most extreme example of Anabaptist violence since the Munster Rebellion in 1534. Koop believes historians will look back at his actions favourably.
(Photo credit: by matsuyuki/CC)