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Unger Conviction

Mennonite Elder Board to Determine Scheifele’s Fate

June 3, 2021 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB After a controversial hit on Montreal forward Jake Evans last night, Mark Scheifele of the Winnipeg Jets is being brought in front of a Mennonite elder board who will determine his fate. “Mennonites […]

Unger Suspicion

Daily Bonnet Risks Alienating Legions of Devoted Followers in Quebec by Saying “Go Jets Go!”

June 2, 2021 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB The editorial team at the Daily Bonnet wrote their most bold and provocative message ever today after breaking journalist neutrality and declaring their allegiance with the Winnipeg Jets. “It was something that had […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Becomes Conscientious Objector After Watching Too Many Hockey Fights

May 24, 2021 Andrew

KITCHENER, ON Mr. Eby of Kitchener was very excited to watch the Leafs game this afternoon, but after binging on the NHL for the past week, has decided he’s boycotting the spot entirely from now […]

Unger Suspicion

Jets Already Down Three Games to None after Opening Faceoff

May 19, 2021 Andrew

EDMONTON, AB Just moments into the first period of game one, the Edmonton Oilers were already up three games to none on the lowly Winnipeg Jets. “Well, that wraps up the first period of play […]

Unger Suspicion

Ottawa Senators Attendance Way Up this Year

April 12, 2021 Andrew

OTTAWA, ON Literally tens of people, including a few security guards and the water boy, were in attendance at the Ottawa Senators home game last week, which is their highest attendance in ages. “It’s nice […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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