Calgary Defeats Winnipeg 5 Bogus Slashing Calls to 3


In an effort to get more pacifists watching the game, the NHL has imposed a new minimum of five bogus slashing calls per game.

“The team with the fewest bogus slashing calls wins,” said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman. “We figured it was much more entertaining to see games determined based solely on the number of really iffy slashing calls than, like, goals scored or something like that.”

Early in the second period, Winnipeg was up two bogus slashing calls to one, but by middle of the third Calgary had racked up a few bogus slashing calls of their own and soon it was real barnburner. NHL fans are loving the new totally bogus slashing calls.

“It really spices up the game to have constant power players,” said Flames fan Peter Wiebe of Swift Current. “The only problem is the power plays usually only last five or ten seconds before we’re at even strength again because of yet another unnecessary slashing call.”

Players were initially uncertain about the new iffy slashing calls, but have quickly taken a shining to them.

“I love the uncertainty it brings to the game,” said Flames superstar Johnny Gaudreau. “If there’s anything us players like it’s inconsistency and uncertainty in the officiating.”

Rather than making totally iffy slashing calls, NHL officials also have the option of just throwing the games in favour of the Toronto Maple Leafs.

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