Mennonite Man Becomes Conscientious Objector After Watching Too Many Hockey Fights


Mr. Eby of Kitchener was very excited to watch the Leafs game this afternoon, but after binging on the NHL for the past week, has decided he’s boycotting the spot entirely from now on.

“I’m usually a nominal hockey watcher. You know, Christmas, Easter, and Playoffs,” said Mr. Eby. “But after watching so much hockey in such a short period of time, I realized just how violent this game really is!”

Mr. Eby will be conscientiously objecting to hockey for the remainder of the season, unless the Leafs make it to the finals, in which case he’s going to make an exception.

“You’ve got to bend the rules sometimes,” says Eby. “It’s just like my Martha and her soaps. The elders don’t have to know about everything we do.”

Mr. Eby promises to close his eyes every time a fight comes on and at least shake his head in disgust every time someone’s checked hard into the boards.

(photo credit: mark6mauno/CC)

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