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The Daily Bonnet

Penners Attempt to Outbreed Reimers

November 23, 2016 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB In a bold move of solidarity, Penners across North America have pledged to do their part to have more babies than the Reimers. “We’re sick and tired of the Reimers outnumbering us in […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Works His Usual 18 Hours on Labour Day

September 5, 2016 Andrew

YARROW, BC Exhibiting the most extreme manifestation of the “Protestant work ethic,” local butcher Helmut Siemens of Yarrow spent every waking moment making farmer sausage this Labour Day. “I don’t take a day off unless it’s the […]

The Daily Bonnet

How to Win at the Mennonite Game: Swiss Edition

September 3, 2016 Andrew

Typical for Dutch-Prussian-Russian Mennonites, the so-called “comprehensive” guide to the Mennonite Game published yesterday contained a few startling biases such as names of rivers and Uncles. In order to address these issues, a generous Swiss Mennonite reader […]

Unger Suspicion

Chinese Government Calls for Strict 12-Child Policy on Mennonites

July 16, 2016 Andrew

BEIJING, CHINA Delegates from People’s Republic of China spoke before the United Nations this week asking the global community to agree to a strict cap on Mennonite families of 12 children each. “Everyone needs to do their […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mother-of-the-Bride Insists on Having “The Talk” Moments Before Daughter Walks Down the Aisle

June 25, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB After neglecting to say anything at all about the topic over the past twenty years, concerned mother Brenda Harms waited at the doors of the Steinbach Gospel Mennonite Church for her daughter to […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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