Mennonite Usher Duct Tapes Unruly Parishioner to Church Pew


An unnamed local man was flying off the handle in church this Sunday and had to be restrained with duct tape by South Wakarusa Mennonite’s top usher Mr. Beck.

“He was clearly intoxicated on Welch’s Grape Juice and was ranting on and on about the price of chicken feed these days,” said Mr. Beck. “He even sat himself down in the women’s section. Finally enough was enough. I had to get out the duct tape.”

Once the unruly Mennonite was restrained, he started yelling about how his family owns more than a thousand acres of prime soybean land and that Mr. Beck would surely be hearing from them once the service is over and he’s released from his contraints.

“Yeah, I ain’t worried,” said Mr. Beck. “I’m accountable to a much higher authority.”

Pastor John says he’s not the ultimate authority, but defends Mr. Beck’s actions.

“Sometimes duct tape’s gotta do with duct tape’s gotta do,” said Pastor John. “I mean, I can’t have a man interrupting my sermon like that. I was right in the middle of the part about the loaves and fishes!”

The unruly parishioner was taken into custody by the Wakarusa police and, if convicted, could face up to ten years sitting in the front row at the local megachurch.

(photo credit: Richard Elzey/CC)

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