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drugs

Unger & Thirst

Feds to Open Forty New Safe Schmaunt Fat Injection Sites

November 21, 2019 Andrew

OTTAWA, ON The federal government just announced this week a plan to open up more than forty supervised injection sites in Mennonite communities around the country. “We’re going to provide people with cottage cheese and […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Football Player Suspended Two Games after Testing Positive for Papsi and Ravel

August 26, 2019 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB After a wee bit too much Papsi and Ravel was found in his system, Andreas Heinrichs has been suspended from playing the next two games of the EMBC church touch football league. “Oba, […]

The Daily Bonnet

Police Vow to Put a Stop to Mennonite Crack Problem

July 20, 2019 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Citizens of the Manitoba capital have been deeply distressed by the ever-increasing crack problem within the city’s Mennonite population this summer. The problem came to a head this week after a huge quantity […]

The Daily Bonnet

Oma Wiebe Really Excited About Altona’s New Pot Shop

March 24, 2019 Andrew

ALTONA, MB Word about Altona’s new pot shop made waves throughout the community this week. Especially excited about the news was local gardener Mrs. Wiebe who had become increasingly dissatisfied with the local pot selection. […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Man Tests Positive for Coke

December 30, 2018 Andrew

BLUMENORT, AB After a routine traffic stop in the small village of Blumenort, Alberta, local man Mr. Wiens has been found to have Coke in his system. Wiens faces several charges including driving under the […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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