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drugs

Unger Conviction

New Pill Makes Mennonite Church Service Tolerable

October 29, 2022 Andrew

CHILLIWACK, BC After decades of research, a brand new pill has been approved by the Mennonite Health Service that makes Sunday morning church services just barely tolerable. “I don’t use this term lightly, but it’s […]

Unger & Thirst

“Of course they’re edible!” Mennonite Woman Brings Potent Snack to Church Potluck

September 13, 2022 Andrew

ST. JACOBS, ON Everything seemed to be going just fine at the West Side St. Jacob’s New Mennonite Church potluck this Saturday afternoon, until guests started snacking on the delicious red gummies that Mrs. Zehr […]

Unger & Thirst

BC to Decriminalize Up to 2.5 Grams of Borscht

June 7, 2022 Andrew

ABBOTSFORD, BC As of July 1 this year, the government of British Columbia will decriminalize possession of up to 2.5 grams of cabbage borscht, so long as it’s for personal use. “Borscht is a health issue,” said […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonites Now Totally Spaced Out in Church

November 28, 2021 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB In a letter sent home to every member this week and a stirring plea from the pulpit this morning, Pastor Bob is encouraging his congregation to be “totally spaced out” in church. “The […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Pitcher Throws No-Hitter While High on Yerba Mate

May 27, 2021 Andrew

MONTREAL, QC It was fifty years ago today that Pieta Ens, rookie phenom for the Montreal Axpos, threw a complete game no-hitter while high on what many believe was yerba mate. “His demeanor was erratic, […]

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