Schmaunt Fat Prices Soar to Record Highs


When the New York Stock Exchange ended trading on Monday, the price of schmaunt fat closed at a record high of $123.21 a barrel, smashing the previous record of just over $115. As a result of soaring schmaunt fat prices, Mennonite families are having to cut back on vereneki consumption.

“We’re staying closer to home this summer,” said cash-strapped Mennonite father Bernie Banman. “With the schmaunt fat prices the way they are, we just can’t afford to leave the house.”

Schmaunt fat prices vacillate wildly, reflecting both the labour situation for Mennonite grandmas and the supply of cow’s milk.

“The volatility of the schmaunt fat market makes it a very risky investment,” said financial advisor Ruth Unrau. “We recommend a diversified portfolio that includes investment in more stable assets like roll kuchen and heart-shaped waffles.”

Experts suggest the schmaunt fat price has not yet reached its peak, especially as Winkler threatens to cut production.

“If OSFEC reduces their supply, we’ll fight back with an embargo on schmaunt fat from the Pembina Valley,” said Unrau. “We have to keep the schmant fat at a price that Mennonites can afford. We don’t want it to become a luxury item.”

As fear and paranoia spread across the continent, North American Mennonites have been filling jerry cans with schmaunt fat.

“You never know when you might be stranded down a gravel road outside Gretna or something and need a bit of extra schmaunt fat just to make it back to town,” said Banman. “With the prices the way they are now, it’s always good to be cautious.”

(photo credit: Nancy Pelosi/CC/Modified)

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