Raw Onions 30% More Effective than Castor Oil to Prevent Swearing


A new study out of the University of Southern Alberta has shown that forcing rebellious Mennonites to eat large quantities of raw onions is significantly more effective at preventing swearing than making them drink castor oil.

“The Mennonite community has been divided on this one for decades,” said professor Lois Dueck. “Some mothers preferred castor oil, some used soap with lye, while a few resorted to raw onions. Well, there’s no more need for debate. The evidence is clear, raw onions are by far the most effective.”

The study showed that the use of ‘diewel‘ and ‘donna‘ dramatically declined with the threat of raw onions.

“However, for some reason it didn’t have any effect on the use of the words ‘schissjat’ or ‘schwiena’rie,'” explained Dueck. “There was simply no amount of raw onions or castor oil that could erase these words from the Mennonite vocabulary.”

The study also showed a signficiant increase in the use of the phrase ‘jauma lied!’ immediately before and after the introduction of raw onions into the swearer’s mouth.

“It’s not 100% effective and some swearers have grown immune to both methods,” said Dueck. “The best plan is to alternate between the two…as well as the intermittent introduction of raw rhubarb with no sugar.”

Furthermore, the study demonstrated that forcing the young men to peel and cut their own onions was also an effective punishment.

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