Police Vow to Put a Stop to Mennonite Crack Problem


Citizens of the Manitoba capital have been deeply distressed by the ever-increasing crack problem within the city’s Mennonite population this summer. The problem came to a head this week after a huge quantity of crack was discovered in the stands of a North Kildonan baseball diamond.

“Enough is enough! We’re not going to just bend over and take it!” said Constable Thiessen. “Let me tell you, we’re going to get to the bottom of this!”

Experts are saying a suspender shortage this spring has led to a huge increase in Mennonite crack on city streets.

“It’s not just the journeymen plumbers. Even the schejkbenjels are having an issue with crack!” said Thiessen. “Whether farmers, labourers, or bargain hunters at the MCC, Mennonites tend to do a lot bending over and picking up of stuff…and this has got to stop! We want everyone to know: crack kills!”

More than a dozen young Mennonite men have been arrested and charged with crack possession. Even Mr. Reimer, a local pastor, was released from custody with a promise to appear.

“I never thought the pastor would have a crack problem,” said Mrs. Kehler. “It’s really too bad when you see this kind of thing come into the church. Oba!”

The foot-washing service scheduled for this Sunday has been postponed as it was thought there would be just too much squatting.

“We’re going to put a stop to this crack problem,” said Thiessen, “if I have to strap a belt on every single Mennonite man in Winnipeg myself!”

(photo credit: Joshua Ganderson/CC/modified)

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