Philadelphia Flyers Shore Up Blue Line By Signing Patriarch Kirill of Moscow


In a surprise move this afternoon, the Broad Street Bullies have inked Patriach Kirill of Moscow to play alongside Ivan Provorov and Gritty on the blue line.

“We felt that young Provorov just wasn’t getting the support that at a man in his position requires,” said Flyers GM Charlie Feels. “We support his freedom of religion, which is why we immediately got on the phone with Kirill.”

The 76-year-old Patriarch Kirill agreed to the deal, saying he needs a break from his day-to-day life.

“Starting wars and propping up a dictator is a lot of hard work,” said Kirill. “So, you know, providing religious counsel and helping out with the forecheck will be nice for a change.”

Provorov is really excited to meet his new linemate.

“These days, young men like me really need spiritual and religious guidance. A moral compass, you know?” said Provorov. “And what better source of my morality than a corrupt warmongering oligarch masquerading as a religious cleric?”

Kirill reportedly agreed to take a significant pay cut from his church money and play for a measly $15 million-a-year with the Flyers.

(photo credit: The Chancellery of the Senate of the Republic of Poland/Wikicommons) 

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