Patrik Laine Has Now Officially Passed Jonathan Toews in Total Mennoniteness


Despite his Finnish origin and inability to speak Plautdietsch, Winnipeg Jets star Patrik Laine is now officially even more Menno than Jonathan Toews. According to sources, his moustacheless beard was inspired by the desire to out-Menno the most Menno hockey player of them all, Chicago Blackhawks superstar Jonathan Toews.

“Hey, if going Menno will get me a few Stanley Cups and a Conn Smythe Trophy or two, then I’m more than willing to carefully shave my upper lip while letting the rest of it grow,” said Laine. “Who knows, I might even be able to attract one of those Penner girls from Winkler.”

Once his beard reached the appropriate length earlier this month, elders at the North Kildonan Mennonite Church declared Laine the “Most Mennonite player in the NHL,” and awarded him an engraved silver chalice filled with delicious white creamy gravy, which Laine quickly devoured.

“In the off season, I’m even thinking of getting dunked at the MB church,” said Laine. “I’ll do anything to improve my game.”

In addition to emulating Jonathan Toews in every way he can think of, Laine has also been inspired by famed Mennonite writer Miriam Toews, and is considering penning a fictionalized account of his growing up years in Tampere.

“If you’re a Toews (or Reimer or even an Unger for that matter) I’m going to be watching your every move,” said Laine. “I try to get out to Steinbach whenever I can to see those Toews’ in action.”

Hockey experts have warned him, however, against drawing any inspiration whatsoever from Vic Toews.

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