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patrik laine

Unger Suspicion

John Tortorella Hires Mennonites to Shun Patrik Laine

March 12, 2021 Andrew

COLUMBUS, OH Columbus Blue Jackets head coach John Tortorella is known for his unconventional methods of motivating his players, most notably benching star players or publicly shaming them when they don’t perform. It seems he’s […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonites are Turning their Old Laine Jerseys into Quilts

January 24, 2021 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Moments after the Winnipeg Jets announced they had traded superstar right winter Patrik Laine to some team in Ohio, Mennonite Jets fans began fashioning their old Laine jerseys into quilts. “Gotta make some […]

Unger Games

Patrik Laine Traded to the Blumenort Menno Knights

October 25, 2020 Andrew

BLUMENORT, MB After months of speculation, the Winnipeg Jets have revealed that 22-year-old superstar Patrik Laine and his seven million dollar a year salary has been traded to the Blumenort Menno Knights of the Hanover-Tache […]

Unger Suspicion

Patrik Laine Considers Bringing Back ‘Lucky Mennonite Beard’ After Recent Slump

January 10, 2019 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Young Finnish phenom Patrik Laine has been in a slump as of late and hockey experts are pointing to only one possible cause of his scoreless streak – shaving off his Menno beard. […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Man Wins A Million Dollars Worth of Farmer Sausage After Mr. Loeppky Scores 5 Goals in Floor Hockey Game

November 24, 2018 Andrew

ROSENORT, MB After a stellar performance by Darren Loeppky in the EMC gymnasium this evening, one lucky member of the congregation is being awarded a million dollars, payable in farmer sausage over the next twenty […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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