New Pill Cures Hymnal Dysfunction


As Mennonite men age, many of them experience a decreased ability to hold a hymnal upright during the service. Doctors in Mountain Lake say Hymnal Dysfunction affects one in three men over the age of forty, but thankfully a new pill offers hope for HD-affected men.

“We’ve been waiting for something like this to come along for decades,” said Mr. Hiebert. “In recent years, I haven’t been able to get through more than a verse or so before I have to put down the hymnal or let Martha hold it on her own.”

The new pill, branded as ‘Lift-Hymn-Up,’ is available now with a doctor’s prescription.

“I know some Mennonite men might be reluctant to talk to their doctor’s about their HD, but there’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of,” says Hiebert. “I know it’s not something we talk openly about at the coffee shop on Tuesday mornings, but it’s much more common than you might ever know.”

Hiebert says some men try to hide the condition by pretending they know all the words by heart or by reading off the overhead projector, but soon those coping mechanisms will no longer be necessary.

“I can’t wait to return to the days when I could hold up a hymnal for all four verses and maybe a responsive reading or two,” says Hiebert. “I know Martha will appreciate it, too.”

Martha says she’s been concerned about Abe’s HD for a long time and is happy he’s finally taking some action to address it.

“He can be stubborn at times, but I’m glad he finally realizes he has a problem,” said Martha. “I think it really hit home when he dropped the hymnal a few Sundays ago right in the middle of 606. It was very embarrassing.”

The new pill is not without controversy, however, and Mennonite men will likely have to sneak off to neighbouring English towns to make their purchases.

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