Mennonite Church Warns ‘No Casual Meddachschlop During Public Health Crisis’


Public health officials and church leaders are warning Mennonites across North America to refrain from casual meddachschlop with random partners for the duration of the current crisis.

“Unless you’ve got a California King mattress and can keep your distance. But, even, then make sure Maria doesn’t inch any closer than she needs to,” said Dr. Rempel of Swift Current Colony. “Remember, meddachschlop is a solo activity from now on!”

The news came as a shock to young liberal Mennonites who had gotten used to the “free meddachschlop” era they had been living in up until now.

“Normally if I get a text from Kjnels at two in the afternoon-‘ Are you up? I really could go for a nice long meddachschlop‘–I don’t even bat an eyelash,” said Rebecca. “But now I’ve got to think, is there really enough room for two people in this hayloft?”

Andreas Peters, however, says it’s just business as usual for him.

“I’ve been meddachschlopping all by myself for years, so this is nothing new,” said Peters. “My Sunday afternoon naps will be just like they’ve always been, splayed out on the couch all by myself wearing nothing but a pair of cut-off jean shorts and suspenders.”

Everyone else is hoping that Mennonites will be able to return to their normal casual meddachschlop practices as soon as possible.

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