Mennonite Woman Wins Lifetime Achievement Oscar


Mennonite woman Deborah Kehler of Bergfeld, Manitoba was awarded the Lifetime Achievement Award at the Oscars last night for “more than 70 years of putting a smile on her face and pretending that everything is just fine.”

“Mrs. Kehler is a remarkable actress. Whether it was a petty conflict at church about the time Sunday School should start, or when her son went through a nasty divorce, or when her brother Pete was arrested for embezzling the town’s rainy day fund, she was always there with a smile on her face and a few words of encouragement even when deep down she knew it was all a bunch of crap,” explained Academy spokesperson Susan Lawrence. “She makes Meryl Streep look like a beginner.”

Mrs. Kehler, who flew in from Bergfeld to pick up the prestigious honour, spoke to reporters at a press conference after the ceremony.

“This award is not just for me,” said Kehler. “It’s for all the amateur Mennonite actresses out there.”

Kehler said she was happy to accept the award, but was hoping she would be the last Mennonite woman to receive it.

“The Mennonite community should be more open to women expressing a full range of human emotions,” said Kehler. “If you want to get angry, get angry. If you want to swear, swear. If you’re feeling sad, don’t tell people everything is ‘okay.'”

Kehler then stormed out of the press conference, lit the trophy on fire, and yelled, “See, this is how it’s done!”

UPDATE* – Moments after Mrs. Kehler received her trophy, and while it was in the midst of being burnt, a representative from PricewaterhouseCoopers rushed onto the stage and announced that there had a been a big mistake. The winner was, in fact, Mrs. Edna Pankratz of Altona, not Mrs. Deborah Kehler of Bergfeld.

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