Mennonite Man Fakes Injury to Avoid Church this Morning


Guillermo Toews, 26, of Menno Colony went down with an injury early this morning, but slo-motion replay shows he’s “clearly just faking it to avoid going to church.”

“We’ve seen this kind of thing before. They ‘twist an ankle’ feeding the cows, or ‘pull a muscle’ sweeping out the hog sty,” said Bishop Friesen. “It’s a good thing we have instant replay or these young Mennonite men would be getting away with everything!”

Guillermo Toews is pleading his innocence, though his friends say he’s been ‘watching an awful lot of soccer lately.’

“He’s been getting ideas from the World Cup,” said Johan Penner. “All you’ve got to do is writhe around on the grass and you can skip the rest of the match. It works the same with church.”

Guillermo Toews received a Yellow Card from the elder board for “unMennolike conduct,” which means he can’t sit with the rest of the congregation during faspa this afternoon.

“It’s a harsh punishment. I hate to see my friend being banished to the children’s table,” said Penner. “He was so close to getting together with Maria Kornelson, but after this incident, his chances are very slim.”

In addition to being in a drafty corner of the church basement, the children’s and unbaptized sinner’s table features a limited number of pickles and just one yerba mate gourd to be shared with everyone.

(photo credit: Jon Candy/CC)

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