Mennonite Church to Pipe in Fake Crowd Noise


Starting this Sunday, the Northside Mennonite Church of Omaha is going to be piping authentic church crowd noise through the sound system to give the few people who show up the full church-going experience.

“Cue incessant baby crying in 3 2 1,” said Pastor Dan during a practice run to demonstrate the new system. “A cough from Mrs. Vogt and a suppressed fart from Mr. Fehr. Ready and go!”

The quiet condescending chatter as the Wiens kid walks in wearing jeans will also be a prominent feature.

“We’ve got sound effects for everything,” said Pastor Dan. “From the creak of the wooden church pews to Mrs. Loewen’s warbling falsetto, we’ve got all the sounds to make you feel like you’re in a real church service.”

The sound effect software also features shouts of ‘Amen’ and ‘Praise the Lord’ at appropriate times during the pastor’s sermon.

“But, of course, we won’t be using those,” said Pastor Dan. “What are we? Pentecostals? We’ve also shut off the sound of clapping hands during the music.”

Pastor Dan, however, has not been able to figure out how to turn off the sound of all the Mennonite men loudly snoring during the sermon.

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