Church Elders Launch Powerful ‘James Wiebe Telescope’ to Keep An Eye on Misbehaving Mennonites


The recently launched James Wiebe Telescope has stunned the world with images of Mennonites even more remarkable than those found in the work of renowned photographer Larry Towell.

“We’re finally able to see the Mennonite universe just 300 million years after the Big Borscht Bang that started the whole Anabaptist movement,” said Mennonite astronaut Kyle Peters. “We’ve even got some snapshots of Menno Simons before he grew the beard.”

The new telescope is able to capture every moment of Mennonite life from the Munster Rebellion to the present day.

“We’ve got some crystal clear images of the Thiessen boys knacking zoat on the Volendam,” said Peters. “We’ve got great photos of the Ungers arriving in the Vistula Delta. We’ve even got the Schmidt sisters first performance at the MB church basement before they sold out and released that secular pop album.”

The Wiebe Telescope is so versatile that church elders believe they may no longer have to rely on the services of Mrs. Loewen to tell them who’s been misbehaving.

“We’ve told her she can stop staking out the Winkler movie theatre,” said Peters. “We already have pretty good evidence that the Krahn family went to go see that new Thor movie last week. Oh, and guess which church deacon we spotted at the Dead Horse Cider taproom on the weekend? This new James Wiebe telescope sure is useful!”

The telescope is considered the greatest achievement in the history of Mennonite surveillance and astronomy, although it did suffer minor damage when travelling through the roll kuchen belt.

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