How to Sneak Snacks into the Movie Theatre: A Guide for Cheap Mennonites

Whether it’s a rock concert, sporting event, or the latest blockbuster movie, oba, those snacks can be expensive! I mean who is really paying $15 for a Bud Light at a Jets game or $25 for some soggy nachos and a watered-down Coca-Cola at the movie theatre? Suckers, that’s who! We’ve consulted with Mennonite experts who have mastered the art of sneaking in snacks. Here is a step-by-step guide!

  1. Choose the right snack. Old Dutch or La Cocina chips are too crunchy and will make too much noise. Instead, you need something soft like kielke or schnetke.
  2. Bake your own schetnke. If you’re going to save money, you’ve got to make your own schnetke. Theatre schnetke is way too expensive these days. It also helps if you crack open a jar of Oma’s strawberry jam.
  3. Wear baggy clothing. Not only is it modest, but it also allows for the schnetke to be concealed with much greater ease.
  4. Distract the attendant with Plautdietsch chit-chat. The ticket taker is always the last line of defence. You’ve got to make sure they aren’t paying too much attention to the suspicious bulge in your Fortrel pants. Discussing last Sunday’s sermon is usually an effective tactic.
  5. Sit near the front. The theatre employees are always more interested in what the teens are doing in the back row. Sitting near the front ensures that they won’t notice when you haul out the butter knife, schnetke, and jar of Oma’s delicious jam.
  6. Eat discretely. Even though you’re in the front row, you’re going to need to keep that schnetke on the down low. Wait for dark scenes or scenes with lots of action and noise to make sure your fellow movie-goers are distracted and don’t rat you out.
  7. Put your trash under Mary’s skirt. Mennonites often think the coast is clear once the movie is over. Not so! That’s a classic rookie mistake. You need to make sure you don’t leave any evidence behind or you’ll drawn suspicion the next time Dr. Zhivago is playing. Instead, dispose of your garage and crumbs under cousin Mary’s dress. She can carry it out of the theatre undetected and you’ll be free to sneak in snacks the next time!

(photo credit: Gabriela Pinto/CC)

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