How large does your town have to be before you can start flipping off other drivers? A guide for Mennonites

According to the official rules, Mennonites should not be proud of anything. Secretly, however, Mennonites pride themselves on many things, including being among the worst drivers in the country. This is largely attributed to the fact that we all drove horse and buggy until about the mid-1990s. Due to the high concentration of bad drivers in Mennonite towns, The Unger Review asks “just when can you safely flip off other drivers?” Let’s face it, in the heat of the moment a lot of things can happen and you don’t want to flip off a church elder no matter how many lane changes he made without using his turn signal. So, let’s have a look at this pressing issue in more detail.

The larger your community, the less likely it is that the person you’re flipping off is a close relative, friend, co-worker, or fellow church-attendee. We crunched the numbers and here is what we found.

0-500 people: I’m sorry, but you can’t even honk your horn in a town of this size, unless it’s one of those friendly honks like “hey, Mrs. Penner, how’s it going, eh?” But angry honks? No way. It goes without saying that rolling down the window and cussing them out is also out of the question.

500-2000 people: Since at this level, you still are likely to know just about everyone, we recommend refraining from flipping anyone off, unless it’s obvious they’re from out of town. For example, if you’re in Kleefeld, Manitoba and you see a car purchased from Birchwood Toyota in the city, feel free to express your rage. Otherwise, use extreme caution.

2000-5000 people: Once your town reaches this level, you can start to express your true feelings a little more. If you’re still cautious, wearing sunglasses and a hat can help protect your identity. Just make sure you’re driving a Honda CR-V like everyone else in town so that no one can identify you based on the vehicle you drive.

5000-10,000 people: We’re at Morden level here and if you know anything about Morden, you’ll know that they have no trouble expressing themselves. Feel free to tell off the bad drivers. If Mordeners are to be believed, all the bad drivers are coming from Winkler anyway.

10,000-50,000 people: It’s still possible you might be flipping off your second cousin, but I would say at this point you can use your best judgement and flip off those who especially deserve it. You still might want to hold back on middle fingers on Sunday afternoons.

50,000-200,000 people: Abbotsford – this one’s for you. You still might want to show a little bit of restraint, but I’d say, in general, you don’t have much to worry about. Not that the fine folks of Abbotsford would ever think of flipping someone off.

200,000 people and up: Oh, don’t be silly. No Mennonite town is this large. However, if you’re in certain neighbourhoods like North Kildonan or near the CMU campus then, okay fine, hold back a bit. But in Charleswood or Waverley West, throw caution to the wind and let them have it.

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