Entire Province Forced to Live Like Mennonites as Liquor Stores Close


Manitoba’s Mennonite population surged to 1.4 million this week as liquor stores across the province have forced everyone to become teetotalers.

“What the hell am I going to drink this weekend?” said local bank manager Jeremy. “Ugh, I guess I might as well move to Steinbach.”

More than a million Manitobans experienced the taste of water for the first time since the Prohibition era of the 1920s.

“What is this strange clear liquid coming out of the taps?” wondered Jeremy. “Doesn’t taste like vodka to me.”

The liquor store closure is the first step in the Conservative government’s grand plan to “make everyone Menno.”

“The next thing is mandatory church attendance,” said Premier Stefanson. “Oh, and as good Mennonites, naturally you’ll all be attending Springs.”

The plan, however, has already backfired for the government as every single Manitoban has taken up closet drinking just like a good Mennonite.

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