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liquor store

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Woman to Continue Wearing Mask in Liquor Store

March 15, 2022 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Even though provincial guidelines no longer require it, Mrs. Jessica Peters, 31, of Winnipeg plans to continue sporting her N95 at liquor stores across the province. “I’ve gotta be protected,” said Peters, ” […]

Unger & Thirst

Liquor Stores Remove Russian Vodka from Shelves Without Any Mennonites Noticing

March 7, 2022 Andrew

NORTH KILDONAN, MB Not a single one of Manitoba’s more than 700,000 Mennonites would admit to noticing the fact that local liquor stores had removed Russian vodka from the shelves. “Oh, that’s certainly news to […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonites Excited as Masks are Finally Being Handed Out at the Liquor Store

January 14, 2022 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Mennonites across southern Manitoba were elated at the announcement that masks would be made available at liquor stores throughout the province. “I’ve got to be protected…” said Mr. Buhler of Winkler, “against the […]

Unger & Thirst

Oma Toews Accidentally Uses Liquor Store Bags for the Tutes this Year

December 24, 2020 Andrew

MORDEN, MB Oma Penner had dozens of brown paper bags kicking around this year and decided to fill them with peanuts and drop them off at all her grandkid’s doorsteps. “Oba, looks like Oma’s been […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Woman’s Glasses are So Foggy She Can’t Even See Who to Judge at the Liquor Store

September 15, 2020 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB Fogged-up glasses have one advantage in the Mennonite town of Steinbach – they make it absolutely impossible to recognize anyone in the liquor store. “Not only do the masks obscure your face, but […]

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SATIRE BY ANDREW UNGER, AUTHOR OF THE DAILY BONNET

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