Clingy Mennonite Aunt Making Tally of All the Hugs You’ll Owe Her When This is Over


Ever since the pandemic broke out, Taunte Liza of Yarrow has been making a daily tally of all the hugs she’s missing out on and plans to cash in big time once this is all over.

“So far it’s been about three weeks, or twenty-one days. Times that by six hugs a day and that means each of my nieces and nephews owe me 126 hugs already,” said Taunte Liza. “And this is just the beginning. If this goes on for a while yet as it’s expected to, those kids might be in debt more a thousand hugs or more.”

Taunte Liza has a huge chart on her living room wall with all her nieces and nephews name on it.

“It’s so I can pray for them by name,” said Taunte Liza, “and also so that no one misses out on the massive Martens family hug-a-thon when this is over.”

The Martens kids have enjoyed this brief respite from their Auntie’s hugs, but are not looking forward to the post-pandemic hugging frenzy.

“I’m also not missing her wet kisses and pinches on the cheek,” said Samantha, “but I hear that one kiss is worth five hugs, so when the time comes, I may be willing to trade in a few to get this over with quicker.”

Taunte Liza’s husband Darryl is not quite so keen on hugging, but, instead, is making a running total of all the knipsbrat matches he’s missing out on.

“Those kids better be ready, because I’m really going to be in the mood to flick some knipsers after this,” said Uncle Darryl. “I’m not sure how Liza’s incessant hugging will affect their gameplay, but I’m sure we’ll make do.”

Reports also suggest that local church ushers are desperately looking forward to the chance to pass out bulletins, shake people by the hand and lead them to the undesirable seats at the front of the sanctuary.

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