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Unger the Influence

Unger & Thirst

Poland and Ukraine Unite to Sue Mennonites for Stealing Perogy Recipe

October 25, 2016 Andrew

KIEV, UKRAINE Perogies. Pierogi. Vereniki. Varenyky. Call it what you want, but the boiled dough pockets beloved by Mennonites are undoubtedly of Eastern European origin. The fact that so-called “Russian” Mennonites have laid claim to the delicacy has […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Works His Usual 18 Hours on Labour Day

September 5, 2016 Andrew

YARROW, BC Exhibiting the most extreme manifestation of the “Protestant work ethic,” local butcher Helmut Siemens of Yarrow spent every waking moment making farmer sausage this Labour Day. “I don’t take a day off unless it’s the […]

Unger Suspicion

French Police Arrest Mennonite Women for Not Dressing Sexy Enough at the Beach

August 26, 2016 Andrew

CANNES, FRANCE In an effort to enforce their arbitrary and inconsistent definition of secularism, the French government is now cracking down on Mennonite women who are “not dressed nearly sexy enough to be at the beach.” […]

Unger Suspicion

Chinese Government Calls for Strict 12-Child Policy on Mennonites

July 16, 2016 Andrew

BEIJING, CHINA Delegates from People’s Republic of China spoke before the United Nations this week asking the global community to agree to a strict cap on Mennonite families of 12 children each. “Everyone needs to do their […]

The Daily Bonnet

Editorial: Should Steinbach Separate From Canada?

June 30, 2016 Andrew

STEINBACH, MB I’ve taken a break from scrolling Tinder while my wife is at Superstore to talk to you about values. Yes, values. I mean the traditional Mennonite values of free-market ‘every man for himself’ capitalism, […]

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