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Unger the Influence

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Albertans Gladly ‘Render Unto Notley What is Notley’s’

April 11, 2017 Andrew

EDMONTON, AB Three months after Alberta Premier Rachel Notley introduced a new carbon tax in the oil rich province, millions of Albertans have responded with unprecedented positivity that pundits have described as “remarkably Christlike.” “We’re seeing a […]

The Daily Bonnet

Local City Councillors Propose Budget of $0 For 2017

December 21, 2016 Andrew

EAST VILLAGE, MB “Oba, stuff shouldn’t cost so much yet.” So said a local councillor at last night’s city council meeting. In reaction to the utterly startling revelation that “things actually cost money,” a small faction […]

The Daily Bonnet

Completely Exhausted With Politics, Mennonites Return to Their Farms

November 9, 2016 Andrew

GOSHEN, IN After a totally exhausting Presidential election campaign, millions of Mennonites across America are returning to their farms, claiming they are “done with politics, like, forever.” “I’m plum tuckered out,” said Henry Willems, shovelling cow […]

Unger & Thirst

Poland and Ukraine Unite to Sue Mennonites for Stealing Perogy Recipe

October 25, 2016 Andrew

KIEV, UKRAINE Perogies. Pierogi. Vereniki. Varenyky. Call it what you want, but the boiled dough pockets beloved by Mennonites are undoubtedly of Eastern European origin. The fact that so-called “Russian” Mennonites have laid claim to the delicacy has […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Works His Usual 18 Hours on Labour Day

September 5, 2016 Andrew

YARROW, BC Exhibiting the most extreme manifestation of the “Protestant work ethic,” local butcher Helmut Siemens of Yarrow spent every waking moment making farmer sausage this Labour Day. “I don’t take a day off unless it’s the […]

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