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Unger & Thirst

Unger & Thirst

Mennonites Suspected in $20 Million Golden Syrup Heist at Pearson Airport

April 20, 2023 Andrew

TORONTO, ON Close to $20 million worth of Rogers Golden Syrup and other valuables were stolen at Pearson Airport in Toronto this morning and police are already on the lookout for various Friesens, Reimer, and […]

Unger & Thirst

Delicious Beet Borscht Used to Melt Ice All Over Manitoba

April 11, 2023 Andrew

VITA, MB As temperatures rise and roads are looking treacherous, it appears that soup has come to the rescue, as dozens of ice cream pails of Baba’s delicious beet borscht are being ladled onto provincial […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Man to Start Drinking Bud Light Just So He Has Something to Boycott

April 7, 2023 Andrew

SCHANZENBERG, MB After Bud Light apparently went “woke” this week, conservative country singers are urging folks to join them in a boycott of the brewing company. This came as a great disappointment for Mr. Dave […]

Unger & Thirst

Raisin Buns at Church Lunch Seen as ‘Really Bad Omen’

April 6, 2023 Andrew

KLEEFELD, MB As the Kleefeld MBCC church gathered for their spring lunch this week, many Mennonites felt a little uneasy as each table had a basket of raisin buns. “What are they trying to tell […]

Unger & Thirst

Stick Holding Debit Machine at Drivethru Falls Just Short of Actually Reaching Car

April 1, 2023 Andrew

ABBOTSFORD, BC The long rod that holds the debit machine was not quite long enough to reach Mrs. Plett’s car this afternoon, forcing the frustrated fast food lover to pull over and come inside to […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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