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Articles by Andrew

Unger Conviction

‘Holy Kiss’ in Mennonite Church Lobby Becomes Total Make-out Session

January 24, 2019 Andrew

HOCHSTADT, MB When Ms. Fehr greeted Mr. Martens with a holy kiss in the church lobby this past Sunday, the two discovered they had a spark and began to totally make-out beneath the coat rack. […]

Unger & Thirst

Molson Drinkers Really Excited About Canada Food Guide’s Recommendation to Drink More Water

January 23, 2019 Andrew

OTTAWA, ON The new Canada Food Guide was released this week and is already causing quite the stir. The new guidelines suggest that Canadians should eat more vegetables and whole grains, while “making water your […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Housebarn to be Converted into Luxury Condos

January 22, 2019 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Thanks to increasing pressures on the Winkler housing market, the old Ens housebarn just outside of town will be converted into luxury condominiums this fall. “We’re banking on the fact that people will pay […]

The Daily Bonnet

Miracle-Working Techno-Whizz Grandson Turns Computer Off and then On Again

January 21, 2019 Andrew

ABBOTSFORD, BC Nineteen-year-old Timothy Brandt had all the Mennonites at the Abbotsford Manor in awe last night after he turned off the computer and turned it back on again. “Oba yo! He really knows about […]

The Daily Bonnet

Manitoba Man Missing Wide Range of Body Parts After Spending Frigid Winter Night Staring at the Moon

January 20, 2019 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Local man David Peters froze into a solid block of ice this evening as he stood outside in -30 degree temperatures trying to look at the lunar eclipse. Local doctors managed to thaw […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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