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Articles by Andrew

Unger & Thirst

Skeptical Mennonite Man Refuses to Eat Sausage Because He “Doesn’t Know What’s In It”

February 2, 2022 Andrew

LINDEN, AB Like most Mennonite men, local man Jack Fehr treats his body like a temple and refuses to put anything into it until he’s researched the full list of ingredients. This healthy skepticism has […]

Unger Suspicion

Truckers Demand Trudeau Come Out of Hiding and Face Them in This Dunk Tank

February 1, 2022 Andrew

OTTAWA, ON Protestors gathered in the nation’s capital this weekend are demanding that Prime Minister Justin Trudeau “come out of hiding” and appear before them in “one of them dunk tank things we’ve got set […]

The Daily Bonnet

Oma Krahn Variant BA.2 to Be Named “Opa Krahn”

January 31, 2022 Andrew

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND Scientists announced in a press conference in Geneva this afternoon that the new Oma Krahn variant BA.2 would be known as Opa Krahn. “We talked to Oma and she said she was more […]

Unger Suspicion

Putin Promises to Use “Withdrawal Method”

January 30, 2022 Andrew

MOSCOW, RUSSIA Russian leader Vladimir Putin has reassured the global community that he plans to employ the “tried and true withdrawal method” during his upcoming Ukraine incursion. “Our best scientists have tested this method very […]

Unger Conviction

New “Freedom Convoy” to Liberate Mennonites from their Own Church Leaders

January 29, 2022 Andrew

AYLMER, ON Thousands of Mennonites gathered in southern Ontario this weekend to finally face the biggest threat to their personal freedoms: their own church leadership. “For years they’ve told us, ‘Hey, look over there, the […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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