New “Freedom Convoy” to Liberate Mennonites from their Own Church Leaders


Thousands of Mennonites gathered in southern Ontario this weekend to finally face the biggest threat to their personal freedoms: their own church leadership.

“For years they’ve told us, ‘Hey, look over there, the big bad government is trying to oppress you!’ Meanwhile I can’t even wear a pair of slacks to church,” said Mrs. Doerksen of Aylmer. “Don’t get me wrong–I’m all for a good political protest every now and then–but it’s hard to take these guys seriously about ‘freedom’ when I can’t even raise my voice above a whisper from 8 ’til noon on Sundays.”

The protesting Mennonites are calling for real actual freedom for all the members of their communities.

“Have you seen the arbitrary list of rules the pastor imposes on our congregation?” said Mrs. Doerksen. “It isn’t Trudeau who’s telling us when to speak, when to shut up, what to wear, how to be a good submissive housewife, or how everything we ever do, say, or think is some kind of grave sin …”

In response to the protest, local church leaders stood before the crowd and told everyone “there’s nothing to see here” and “we’ve got everything under control.”

“Do not question our God-given authority!” said Pastor Hank, motioning to Mrs. Doersken to get her headscarf on straight. “Just remember, only Pastor David and I can protect you from the evil freedom-stealing politicians in Ottawa!”

The pastor then told everyone they’d most certainly go to Hell if they didn’t attend a lovely post-protest faspa where the leaders would be delighted to serve them nothing but “delicious red herring.” 

(photo credit: Chris Fithall/CC)

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