Ahh, yes, underwear shopping, every Mennonite man’s biggest fear. Well, fear no more, the Daily Bonnet has created this handy guide that will make underwear shopping as painless as possible. Just follow these step-by-step instructions and you should be good to go with a slick new pair of gitch in no time!
Step 1: Wait until your underwear is on it’s very last thread. Not only does this save money, but it also delays the embarrassing trip to Mark’s Work Wearhouse or Winners to browse the selection for new ones. Better yet, get Martha to patch them for you. This should give you a few extra months.
Step 2: If the underwear is beyond use or repair, head to your local underwear store. Now is the perfect time to go as everyone is wearing masks, so no one will recognize you. Make sure to bring Martha. You do not want to embark on this mission alone.
Step 3: The most difficult part of the process are the cheery and overly helpful store clerks. Whatever you do, do not make eye contact. Look down. Keeping looking down until they go away. If, however, this technique is unsuccessful and they insist on peppering you with “Anything I can help you find, sir?” “What size do you need?” “You want boxers or briefs?” “Are you willing to pay a little extra for premium cotton?” and so on, reply to each question with a polite but firm “Na, Dank.” If this still doesn’t work, Martha will step in and tell them to mind their own business.
Step 4: Hand your selection to Martha and make a bee line for the exit. She can pay. She’s got your credit card anyway, right? Make sure to purchase a minimum of ten pairs at a time as this reduces the frequency you’ll have to go underwear shopping and encounter the overly helpful saleswomen.
Step 5: Once you’re safely at home, close and lock the door. In your haste, you may have purchased the wrong size or colour or, worse yet, boxer briefs. If an error has occurred, have Martha return them to the store and bring back the size 42 tighty whities like you wanted.
Step 6: Discard and burn any of the packaging that came with it. The images of men in underwear makes you understandably uncomfortable and insecure and you don’t want Martha getting any ideas that maybe she could have done better.
Step 7: Relax and enjoy and never speak of this terrible episode in your life again.