100 Million Viewers Expected to Watch Tonight’s Televised Mennonite Elder Board Meeting


CNN is expecting record viewership tonight as it plans for the first ever live broadcast of a Mennonite elder board meeting.

“Some people haven’t been paying attention to the current Mennonite election cycle and are just tuning in now,” said network representative Garth Gustafson. “But these elder board meetings can get real exciting, so we’re anticipating huge numbers.”

On the table for today’s meeting is discussion about whether a fence should be built between the church and parsonage, with one prominent elder suggesting they could even get the pastor to pay for it himself.

“Many people will also tune in to see how Elder Loewen’s health is and whether he can make it through an entire board meeting,” said Gustafson. “If he coughs or clears his throat a little, you can bet social media will explode with the news.”

Some people are planning to live tweet the board meeting, so pundits will be able to get a sense of how the public feels about the discussion over whether to accept Mrs. Friesen’s apology for ‘unsubmissive thoughts,’ or to subject her to further punishment. The board will also discuss the environmental impact of Mr. Kornelsen’s beard.

“There are a lot of topics to cover and many undecided Mennonites out there,” said Gustafson. “I think this board meeting will help a lot of people decide whether or not AM radio is just as sinful as FM. By the end of the evening, it may go down as one of the greatest elder board meetings in the history of the Mennonite church.”

(Photo credit: Laurel L. Russwurm/CC/modified)

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