Winkler-Steinbach Rivalry to Be Settled With Winner-Take-All Dutch Blitz Tournament


After years of bitter rivalry between the two Mennonite megalopolises, a grand Dutch Blitz tournament will forever determine who are the better Mennonites. Winkler and Steinbach will send their best Dutch Blitz players to Rosenort, a site that was chosen because of its central location and neutrality.

“We’re sick and tired of all Steinbach-Winkler hostility,” said organizer Pattie Berg of Rosenort. “So we decided it had to be settled. And what better way to do so than have people sit around in a circle and frantically slap each other on the back of the hand?”

Dutch Blitz competitors have been training for months, working on speed, manual dexterity, and pain tolerance.

“I’m going to bring this one home for the Pembina Valley,” said Winkler resident and Dutch Blitz phenom Angela Martens. “I’m pretty unbeatable with the Pump cards.”

At the end of the tournament the winning city will be granted all the land of the losing city and will be declared the official Mennonite capital of Manitoba. Residents of the losing city will have to acknowledge in all conversations from then on that they are inferior Mennonites or not even really Mennonites at all.

“I’m going to make Steinbach proud!” said competitor Samantha Braun. “It’s going to be fierce. I’m sure there will be blood loss and a few broken fingers, but it’ll all be worth it to prove that Steinbach produces the greatest Mennonites north of the 49th parallel.”

(Photo credit: by Myra Siason/CC)

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