Trudeau Hires Mennonites to Administer New $900 Million Roll Kuchen Grant Program


The Trudeau government has just announced a plan to have a few Mennonites from Plum Coulee administer a new $900 million grant program that will provide roll kuchen and syrup to eligible applicants.

“We wanted to make sure there was no scandal this time,” said Trudeau. “I’ve never been to Plum Coulee, don’t plan to go to Plum Coulee, and no one in Plum Coulee has voted for my party in more than sixty years. We should be all good in the ethics department this time.”

According to the new plan, Canadians who want to apply for the roll kuchen grant, must show up in Plum Coulee, successfully recite five obscure Bible verse and choke back a bowl of Oma Wiens’s plumemoos. If successful, applicants will be given an entire summer’s worth of roll kuchen and Roger’s Golden Syrup.

Eager to keep things on the up and up, the Trudeau family will also no longer be providing entertainment at WE Day events.

“The organization is trying to do everything they can to distance themselves from the Trudeau family,” said an event organizer, “including hiring the cheapest, least flashy, least Trudeau-like entertainment they could find: a Mennonite choir.”

Unlike the Trudeau family, the Mennonite choir is willing to perform for free, though no one is all that sure how they’ll look under all those strobe lights.

(photo credit: michael_swan/CC)

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