Tom Brady Blames Loss on Regulation Size Footballs


New England Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady struggled to explain his team’s loss in Super Bowl LII last night, though after pressure from reporters, confessed he felt he was hampered by having to use regulation size footballs.

“I mean that’s the only thing I can think of,” said Brady. “The inability to cheat this time really hurt our chances.”

The Philadelphia Eagles, on the other hand, worked hard to ensure the game would be on the up and up and the footballs would be properly filled. Team members spent all last summer working as sausage stuffers in Lancaster county.

“There was no way we were going to let Brady slip one by us this year,” said Eagles QB Nick Foles. “Thanks to the friendly Mennonites, I can spot an under-stuffed sausage or football a mile away.”

With the football at regulation inflation level, the Eagles managed to defeat Brady and the Patriots at the first Minneapolis Super Bowl since 1992. While the Eagles are celebrating, however, rescue teams have been working around the clock to extract thousands of out-of-towners who were ill-prepared for Minnesota’s frigid winters and froze into solid blocks of ice the moment they left US Bank Stadium.

“When you’ve got 70,000 people showing up to a game in February, you’re bound to have a few casualties,” said rescue coordinator Carissa Hertz. “We’ve got a priest around for last rites just in case, but so far we’ve only had to use that on a fan from Florida who sauntered out of the stadium wearing cut-off jean shorts and a tank top.”

The priest also spent three hours comforting a distraught and weeping Tom Brady.

(photo credit: Keith Allison/CC)

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