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The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Becomes Conscientious Objector After Watching Too Many Hockey Fights

May 24, 2021 Andrew

KITCHENER, ON Mr. Eby of Kitchener was very excited to watch the Leafs game this afternoon, but after binging on the NHL for the past week, has decided he’s boycotting the spot entirely from now […]

Unger Conviction

Tim Tebow Signs with Mennonite Church, but Not as QB

May 10, 2021 Andrew

GOSHEN, IN Famed Evangelical Christian quarterback Tim Tebow has signed a new deal with the North South Side Mennonite Church of Goshen, Indiana to serve as Associate Pastor. “Pastor Jim will be quarterbacking this congregation […]

Unger Games

Dwayne Johnson ‘Guaran-damn-tee’s He Won’t Totally Destroy the CFL

March 14, 2021 Andrew

TORONTO, ON The CFL announced this week that they’re in talks with a former pro wrestler to potentially throw away 150 years of Canadian football tradition in exchange for a bit part in the next […]

The Daily Bonnet

Newton’s “World’s Tallest Mennonite” Drafted by Golden State Warriors

March 4, 2021 Andrew

NEWTON, KS Hailing from Newton, Kansas, the 17-foot limestone Mennonite Settler statue known across the globe as the “World’s Tallest Mennonite” has finally reached his true calling: playing center for the Golden State Warriors. “After […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Woman Wins National Curling Championship

March 1, 2021 Andrew

CALGARY, AB Mary Dueck, 58, of La Crete, Alberta has taken home the 2021 Canadian Women’s Curling Championship by successfully leaving a set of ten pink plastic rollers on her head for a record six […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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