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Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Church Bans ‘Roll Up the Rim’ as Gambling

March 5, 2018 Andrew

CHILLIWACK, BC The South Chilliwack Gospel Mennonite Church has banned members from rolling up the rim at Tim Hortons, as it violates the church’s strict teaching against games of chance. The church took the action […]

Unger Suspicion

Santa’s Complete List of Naughty Mennonites

December 23, 2017 Andrew

Anonymous sources close to Santa Claus have revealed his list of very naughty Mennonites to the Daily Bonnet. The following Mennonites will NOT be receiving presents this year, because they’ve been very very bad! (The […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Man Takes Home Top Prize at Annual ‘Humility Awards’

December 12, 2017 Andrew

WICHITA, KS The competition was fierce at the annual Mennonite Humility Awards this year, but, in the end, Mr. Samuel Janzen, 73, of Wichita was awarded the ‘Most Humble Person in Human History’ trophy. “Woohoo! […]

The Daily Bonnet

Mennonite Mom Discovers Hidden Stash of ‘Preservings’ Magazine Under Teen Son’s Mattress

December 7, 2017 Andrew

NORTH KILDONAN, MB Mrs. Mary Loewen of North Kildonan was just going about her daily chores when she discovered a half dozen copies of the ‘Preservings’ journal underneath her son Adam’s mattress. “Oba! Looks like […]

Unger Conviction

Mennonite Church Bans Google Chrome

November 29, 2017 Andrew

STRASBURG, PA The leadership at South Strasburg EMB passed a resolution this week banning the use of the Google Chrome web browser. Church members caught using Google Chrome will be forced to paint their computer […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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