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schmaunt fat

Unger & Thirst

Local Woman Sells ‘Essential Mennonite Oils’

July 23, 2019 Andrew

BLUMENFELD, SK Local woman Mrs. Hiebert has launched a new alternative medicine program aimed at restoring Mennonites to health and vitality “through a specially designed program of concentrated hydrophobic essential Mennonite oils.” “Through extensive scientific […]

Unger & Thirst

Anti-Fracking Protestors Shut Down Schmaunt Fat Production

September 17, 2018 Andrew

LA CRETE, AB Dozens of angry protestors showed up to La Crete City Hall this past week to protest the fracking of schmaunt fat. “Fracking is an unsafe method of schmaunt fat extraction,” said Billy […]

The Daily Bonnet

Local Man’s Hilarious Wikipedia Edit About Mennonites Goes Unnoticed for Six Years

August 31, 2018 Andrew

WATERLOO, ON Back in the winter of 2012, then Conrad Grebel student, Jakob Klassen, 23, of Aylmer edited the Wikipedia page about Mennonites to include numerous hilarious but erroneous bits of information. Klassen was shocked […]

Unger & Thirst

Man 3-D Prints Every Recipe in the Mennonite Treasury Cookbook

July 31, 2018 Andrew

ABBOTSFORD, BC Days after the 3-D printing of Mennonite recipes was legalized by the Supreme Court, Mr. Klassen of Abbotsford successfully printed every single recipe in the Mennonite Treasury Cookbook and promptly divorced his wife […]

Unger & Thirst

Hypnotist Claims to Remove Mennonite Schmaunt Fat Cravings

July 20, 2018 Andrew

WINNIPEG, MB Mennonites flocked to the Days Inn in North Kildonan this week in hopes of eliminating their schmaunt fat cravings by a very unique method: hypnosis. Renowned American Mennonite hypnotist Nobrane has been charging […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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