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schmaunt fat

Unger & Thirst

Local Pastor Reassures Paranoid Congregation: “Don’t Worry, Chem Trails are Just Schmaunt Fat”

January 19, 2021 Andrew

R.M. of RHINELAND, MB After months of growing paranoia, a local pastor has decided to address a matter that was plaguing the minds of some of his more circumspect congregants. “Chem trails are nothing to […]

Unger & Thirst

Heretical Mennonite Man Smothers Perogies in Sour Cream

July 13, 2020 Andrew

WINKLER, MB Local man, Abe Sawatzky, 67, shocked a whole table of cousins at faspa on Friday after foregoing the schmaunt fat and smothering his cottage cheese perogies in sour cream instead. “Diewel devil shinda! […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonites Worried Bill Gates is Microchipping the Schmaunt Fat

May 15, 2020 Andrew

REDMOND, WA Billionaire philanthropist Bill Gates has been the subject of a wide variety of speculation as of late. ‘Just why is he suddenly so concerned about our health and well-being after subjecting us to […]

Unger & Thirst

Shocking New Photos Show Dramatic Glacier Retreat

January 9, 2020 Andrew

GRETNA, MB New photos released by the National Society for the Preservation of Glaciers reveal a dramatic retreat of the famous Gretna Glacier. “If you look at the photos side by side, you can see […]

Unger & Thirst

Mennonite Children Leave Plate of Vereniki and Schmaunt Fat for Santa

December 24, 2019 Andrew

REINLAND, MB The Broesky children of Reinland were sick and tired of the mediocre gifts that Santa brought when they left out milk and cookies, and so decided to change things up a little this […]

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SATIRICAL NEWS BY ANDREW UNGER

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