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holidays

The Daily Bonnet

‘Mennonite Heritage Week’ Comes and Goes Without a Single Mennonite Noticing

September 18, 2020 Andrew

WATERLOO, ON The second annual Mennonite Heritage Week came and went this year without a single Mennonite in the entire country noticing. “Really? Mennonite Heritage Week? Was that this week?” wondered Mr. Zehr of Waterloo. […]

Unger Suspicion

Devout American Christians Gather to Enthusiastically Worship False Idol Today

July 4, 2020 Andrew

WASHINGTON, DC Millions of pious God-fearing Bible-believing Christians across America are gathering today to sing songs of glory, honour, and praise to the golden calf US flag and constitution. “It’s our most sacred holiday,” said […]

Unger & Thirst

Paska Buns Kept Six Feet Apart to Keep Mennonites Safe

April 11, 2020 Andrew

NEUBERGTHAL, MB Mrs. Martens of Neubergthal has spaced out all her paska buns six feet apart this Easter to make sure no one catches any undesirable illnesses. “I got the tape measure and laid them […]

Unger Conviction

Christian Man Says ‘Merry Christmas’, Nothing Happens

December 16, 2019 Andrew

OMAHA, NE Absolutely nothing happened after local church-goer Billy Friesen, 42, greeted a stranger on the street with a hearty ‘Merry Christmas’ this past week. “I don’t get it,” said Friesen. “I was really hoping […]

The Daily Bonnet

‘Sexy Mennonite’ Costume Flying Off the Shelves this Halloween

October 28, 2019 Andrew

NEWTON, KS Costumes stores across the country have been running out of stock of this year’s hottest Halloween trend, the Sexy Mennonite. “Last year it was the Sexy Nurse and the Sexy Superhero, but this […]

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